Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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