im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
