She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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