my soul wont recognize me after tonight
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I have already put on my inside pants.