He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
