He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
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They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
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Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.