he puts the penis in happiness.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
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Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
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The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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