i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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