so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I touched a dick in church today
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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