is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
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He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
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Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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