I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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