oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
