True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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