Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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