I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
