Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
we're so committed to being not committed
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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