I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
