I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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