i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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