I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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