you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
