Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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