It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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