On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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