Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
