how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
