gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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