You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Jerry, you need to find god
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
