i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
