well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
