It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You're a disaster
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