the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
