your room smells of hookers.
And success
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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