I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
