They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
