This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
