why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
