The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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