fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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