This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I think your dad took our porno
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
