I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
