Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
