I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
