It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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