I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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