apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
