New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
