Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My life is pants optional.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
