Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
