If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
