I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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