hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
