Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I need moral support for this bender
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
