She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
