Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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