So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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