we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
