she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
