my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
